he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
