I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
the day after is always just damage control
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
