i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
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