I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Just invented taco cereal.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
