Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
