The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
