I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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