would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
