Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
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