he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
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the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
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Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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