Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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