I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
