I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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