dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
