why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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