He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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