you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
How naked do you want me to be?
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