You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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