I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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