She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
