I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
