Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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