I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Randomize
