I got chris browned last night
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
