I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
