Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
