Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
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If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
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I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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