Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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