Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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