you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
