dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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