So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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