the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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