so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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