Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
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I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Found the puke drawer
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
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