the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
