it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
