if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
