My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
