How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Randomize
