i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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