you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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