Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
