i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
