take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
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