Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.

(1-859): View more from Kentucky

Well... I doubt that.

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(757): View more from Virginia

apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...

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(231): View more from Michigan

my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring

(989): View more from Michigan

i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.

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(734): View more from Michigan

I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.

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(618): View more from Illinois

So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.

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(415): View more from California

Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.

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(212): View more from New York

Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.

(518): View more from New York

Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!

(518): View more from New York

Oh fuck wait

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