i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
