There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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