the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
