His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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