you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
