i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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