She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
