So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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