Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
