My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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