if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I fill condoms, not promises.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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